As a mom, you are supposed to accept and love your child no matter what. It's a rule. But I can't.
I want to take away that part of her. It would be easier, for her and also for us and our family.
But who would she be? If she could talk about all the things I know she's imagining. If she could explain what she means when she acts a certain way or she could tell me she had a bad day at school or that someone was nice to her.
But she can't.
I don't even know if she understands if someone is being nice or trying to help her. Does she even know the difference? Is it better that she doesn't, especially in the future.
The future. How I fear the future.
What will she be able to do and how much will she be able to learn. What school will she be able to go to? I don't even know how to think past a certain point. Because it is too scary.
The future is frightening.
One day when she's all grown up or maybe even later someone will find out what causes the problems she is having, something I probably did or something I exposed her to, when that time comes I am .... I am ....
I already want to go back in time and do everything I can to avoid this...
any theory I will follow.
But I can't do that, I can't change it.
I can't change anything.
About Me
- KD
- I'm a new mom writing a blog as a journal and an outlet. My daughter was born in March 2008 and I'm a stay at home mom for now. I have a Masters degree in Aerospace Engineering that is collecting dust on the wall.
1 comment:
I know we don't often have a chance to really talk about things, so I just wanted to say that I can't imagine what you and Zac are going through and I think you are doing a great job. I know it is hard not to know what is going on inside your own daughters head, I can't imagine. I really do feel that she will keep improving and progressing.
I know you probably don't believe in fate or that there are reasons for the things that happen in our lives, but I really feel that she was put into our family and yours and Zac's lives for a reason. Maybe to teach us and those around her patience, understanding and kindness. Maybe to help other kids see that people are all different and unique and to help them accept others.
I feel sad to hear that you think things are somehow your fault. There is no way to know how things like this happen, and you can't go through life blaming yourself. Different things and challenges happen to different people in different ways. I am always here to talk if you need someone.
Love you,
Faroe
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