How are you?

To my friends who want to know how I am really doing
This is what I really mean when I say:
"I'm Good" : Zia is maintaining a good schedule with no meltdowns yet (while crossing fingers)
"I'm fine, thanks": several problems today already including a total meltdown about a scratched dvd that wouldn't play and Zia has already taken off her socks and shoes while at the store
"We are doing ok": I have no idea why we are out in public, but I just hope Zia can keep her clothes on long enough to get us back in the car before a full on kicking tantrum

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How are you? : Translations

So How are you?
To my friends who want to know how I am really doing
I'm Good : Zia is maintaining a good schedule with no meltdowns yet (while crossing fingers)
I'm fine, thanks: several problems today already including a total meltdown about a scratched dvd that wouldn't play and Zia has already taken off her socks and shoes while at the store
We are doing ok: I have no idea why we are out in public, but I just hope Zia can keep her clothes on long enough to get us back in the car before a full on kicking tantrum

Halloween

I am really not loving all the Halloween pics posted right now.  I wanted to say so on Facebook but I didn't know if it would be too depressing.  I figured out why Halloween sucks so much for me. It's because I've always been pretending to be something I'm not and I'm sick of it.  Ever since I was younger i
pretended to be religious, pretended to be the perfect daughter.  Appearances seemed to matter so much to my parents.
What will people think?

So now Halloween I I'm doing it all over again!
I feel like I have to pretend like I don't have a daughter who has Autism... Who doesn't want to dress up and can't handle the changes in routine that come with stupid holidays .  A Dumb Holiday that means nothing but giving out candy.
Am I doing the same thing to my kids? making them dress up and Do stupid things that make no sense.
All in the name of some sort of tradition?
I hate having to pretend my kid is normal and dreading every second of her not behaving like that.
Why should I care how she behaves in front of people anyway, they are total strangers?
but it's been built into me sometime, maybe it's a religion or the culture here maybe it's just every one's evolutionary need to be in a group.
So, in the end Holidays suck and next year I think I will forget it is Halloween.  Except I know that I won't...sigh....

I can't

As a mom, you are supposed to accept and love your child no matter what. It's a rule. But I can't.

I want to take away that part of her. It would be easier, for her and also for us and our family.
But who would she be? If she could talk about all the things I know she's imagining. If she could explain what she means when she acts a certain way or she could tell me she had a bad day at school or that someone was nice to her.
But she can't.
I don't even know if she understands if someone is being nice or trying to help her. Does she even know the difference? Is it better that she doesn't, especially in the future.
The future. How I fear the future.
What will she be able to do and how much will she be able to learn. What school will she be able to go to? I don't even know how to think past a certain point. Because it is too scary.
The future is frightening.
One day when she's all grown up or maybe even later someone will find out what causes the problems she is having, something I probably did or something I exposed her to, when that time comes I am .... I am ....
I already want to go back in time and do everything I can to avoid this...
any theory I will follow.
But I can't do that, I can't change it.
I can't change anything.

One year since my last post

I guess I only post around Christmas time. This past year has been so tumultuous I can't even imagine updating everything, so instead I'll post about something else entirely, since it's so late.

I just wrote a short children's story. I need an illustrator for the pages, but I have ideas on how I want it to look.

I was going to post it here, but I worry about someone stealing the idea.

If you are interested I can email it to you. Imagine each line is a page. Notes and comments are appreciated from family and friends.

JUST LIKE MAGIC -- A children’s story

By Karina Herman

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